I miss you

It’s a strange phenomena when you hear a song and all you can think of his one person. It’s even more strange when that person is all you think about- dawn to dusk and the darkness in between.

It’s ten times more strange when you feel so possessive of a person you can never posses physically. Emotionally, you can possess someone all you want. Is possess a particularly frightening notion?

At six am on a restless mind, words don’t matter much.

What is emotion? What causes someone to harbor it? What causes emotional relapses? Is it trigger words- trigger people?

Is a female really that bad? Sometimes its easy to believe it when you aren’t sure who you even are anymore. It’s hard to believe anything when you feel like your grasping at infinity with nothing on but a blindfold.

Note to self- sleep less, think more.

Selfish. Opps, now you’re just selfish. Think less, DO more.

Ever wonder what it would be like to run on a treadmill to watch the distance never change? What if you stayed at zero forever? You’d be breathless with no destination.

Don’t you hate when your stomach starts flipping over and over for a reason you can’t pinpoint?

I always like to assume that reason is you. But it could be so many things. That cereal you just ate, the hill you just drove down too fast, the assignment you missed that’s due in days, that dip on the rollercoaster. Life. Don’t they always say: Life is like a rollercoaster. She’s got rollercoaster emotions. You are such a Gemini.

It’s a strange phenomena when your song just begins to play when I think about you. You listen to the lyrics and you wonder- is it possible to be that perfect? The rain on my window begs to differ, but the only thing I see is the light sky. I’m a fool and I don’t care, I hear your name in every word I say.

You ever wonder how your life would be if you took that other road? If maybe you went right, instead of going left? If you choose to leave home instead of opting to stay near your lonely mother?

Happy Mother’s Day from the first 900 miles.

Have you ever cried, because you didn’t know if you wanted to stay or if you wanted to go? Have you ever cried because you felt there was only one option? Have you ever cried because you were lost? You were so lost and all you did all day was be brave? All you did all day was pretend you were more sure than the child in your heart?

Remember when you were little and you lied and said you loved a rainy day? Remember how you got older and you longed for pastels and cloudless, blue skies?

Remember how you got older and you felt more lost than ever? You got older and they told you once you got out of school, life would have purpose and direction and now you’re wondering why no one took off your blindfold yet? Or why no one can tell you one thing to fix it?

When you were little, everyone had the solution for you, now you’re older and the world can do nothing but tell you- keep your chin up, kid. Life ain’t so bad?

Lust?

Chest pounding

Your heart skips a beat

You begin to wonder

Is this the end

Or is it just beginning

You know in your heart

The future never looked so foggy

Yet somewhere deep down

You can’t help but feel hope

Hope

Heavy

Light

Daybreak

Are you up

Or are you down

Are you tired

Or are you awake

Your heart skips a beat

Has it really been so long

How things have changed

How little you’ve missed

How hard it is to really go on

Are you fooling yourself

Are you fooling me?

Is this the end

Or has it only just begun

Love?

The Pain of Payment

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Jac ran for her life until her lungs burned like a fire was raging within them. Her blonde hair stuck to the back of her neck, even at dusk in August the air was thick and heavy. As she stood, leaning over and panting, she glanced behind her to make sure Hanna and Audrey were still in tow. The large warehouse they had just narrowly escaped from loomed in the distance, casting a huge shadow over the late afternoon lit lawn.

Audrey’s electric pink weave was beginning to matte together in the heat, her short skirt riding up on her thin, pale thighs as she ran. Her multi- colored tank top layers were concealed by the large hoodie she wore. Placing her hands on her hips and breathing heavily, she glanced at her present company and couldn’t help but feel angry. If she had to fend for her life, couldn’t she at least be with people she cared about?

Hanna’s brunette hair and large brown, usually vacant eyes were now filled with terror as she too bent over to try and catch her breath. She didn’t care anymore about what she would step on and kicked off her flat flip flops, shoving them in the back of her dark denim jeans. Adjusting her tank top and light weight zip up, she looked to Jac.

“What the fuck is going on!?” Jac yelled staring at her enemy Audrey and her friend Hanna. Jac and Hanna hated Audrey, although they were all once friends, because Audrey was a known shit talker. She never stopped and lost and gained friends monthly because of it. Even through their hatred now, the girls were united in their plight for freedom.

“I have no idea,” Audrey relied, staring around her, only seeing the large, gray building surrounded by grassy, fenced off paddocks and peaceful looking woods off in the distance. The sun was low in the sky as she squinted at it, putting her hand up to sheild her eyes. If Audrey ever ate, she would be hungry right now, she assumed it was dinner time. As the girls stood panting, they looked at their surroundings.

“Whatever, we should keep going because when he finds us missing…well I don’t even want to know what would happen,” Hanna tossed out. Jac peered into the distance to see what looked like large, chain link dog kennel runs and she thought she saw people by them so she reached out for Hanna’s hand and they took off in a jog toward the area. Audrey glared at the back of their fried heads of hair before jogging after them, the heels of her shoes sinking slightly into the grass.

As Jac got closer, she began to see dozens of people. Families even, all stuck in these kennel runs. They all looked sad and pathetic, like they couldn’t believe this was their life. It reminded her so much of the videos you see of the starving people in third world countries…where were they anyway? As people looked up and began to notice the girls heading for them, they all began to whisper hurriedly, looking to each other before looking back at the girls.

Hanna couldn’t help but notice how hopeful these people looked suddenly, seeing them get closer. Suddenly an old woman creeped up at the three of them, reaching forward and touching their arms. Audrey felt chills run up her spine at seeing these people here, especially at being touched by them. The whole area smelled like shit and body odor, it was making her nauseous. The woman motioned for the girls to follow now. Jac turned to Hanna, and Hanna turned to look at Audrey. All three hearts began to beat uncontrollably. Was this woman going to take them back to that warehouse?

They followed passed a few kennels, every person inside them had their hands wrapped around the fencing and their eyes watched each girl closely. The woman stopped suddenly and motioned them inside the run, which was larger then any of the others. The run had little to nothing inside of it, beside what looked like home grown food from inside the paddocks and stacks upon stack of newspapers. The woman motioned for the girls to sit on the newspapers. As they did a teenage girl came up to them and smiled saying, “we going to help you,” in a thick accent. Jac smiled happily to Hanna and Audrey as they were handed a carrot each. Audrey looked at the food as if it was going to bite her or give her a fatal disease and Hanna stared at Jac with an incredulous look on her face watching Jac brake off a piece of the carrot and eat it.

“What?” she said shrugging in response to Hanna.

“You’re going to trust these people to give you food and help us? They obviously work for this insane man!” she said in a harsh whisper. Jac looked around at these poor people and couldn’t believe for a second that they were going to harm them. She continued to eat what she was given, looking around at all of the people, children to seniors, looking at them amazed. She couldn’t figure out what they were so in awe over when the old woman that led them here came back into the run, looking panicked and talking quickly in her native tongue to the younger woman who gave them food. She walked over the Audrey, Hanna and Jac and sighed. She began to slowly try to talk to them in English.

“They know you missing. Very angry. You must hide,” she said to them. Audrey looked around flustered. There was nothing in here to hide under or behind!

“What?!” she whispred loudly to Hanna. “Where the fuck are we supposed to hide?” But just as Audrey spoke a strange man grabbed her arm and drug her off, away from the other girls. The man took her away from the kennels to a chicken coupe near by and pointed her in. Audrey looked at the man wildly, he was crazy if he thought she was going in there! But he didn’t wait for her to think, he shoved her inside and closed the door, looking in the small window and moving his hand, indicating she should move where she couldn’t be seen. Audrey began to get severly freaked out. She hated Jac and Hanna these days with a large passion, but she didn’t want to be doing this alone. She didn’t want to die alone, either.

In the kennels, Jac and Hanna were begging the workers not to sererate them but they kept shaking their heads. They drug Hanna off to another kennel with even more newspaper. The old woman began moving all the news papers, un folding them before motioning for Jac to lie down on the dirt. She hesitated, not knowing what was lying in that dirt, but lied down anyway. She felt alarmed suddenly as the woman began tossing each unfolded newspaper over it until it felt like bricks were laying over he body. She could see very little through a small crack in the make shift hiding spot and now had no idea where Hanna or Audrey were.

Hanna had been moved to a kennel much farther away, but there was a small bench inside. They told her to lie down and pull her knees up. They then began to cover the bench and her in stacks and stacks of newspapers to hide her the best they could. She was incredulous as to why these strangers were helping them, but at the same time she couldn’t have been more grateful even thought she was worried about where Audrey had gone.

The whole area fell deadly silent as Jac and Hanna laid there, wondering how long they were going to have to stay totally still. Hanna couldn’t see anything, unlike Jac. She felt alarmed when hushed whispering began, she knew that voice. Why did she know that voice?

“Where are they?” the voice growled. Jac had to stifled a scream. It was him! He had found them, they were all going to die! The servant said nothing as the man got angry and she heard him hit the ground with a loud thud. Her heart began racing and her tongue felt completely numb in her mouth. She didn’t want to die, not like this. She saw him reach through the kennel’s fencing as he grabbed a sheet from the top of the pile she was lying under, to her it looked like an add for a supermarket, but she couldn’t tell.

As he looked at the paper, the foot steps moved farther away, so Jac and Hanna sighed in relief as quiet overtook the camp once more. They didn’t know how long they had been laying there before they heard a scream come from the distance.

“No! No! Please god! No! No! Let go of me! Why are you doing this?!” Audrey’s terrified sobs echoed across the grassy fields. Jac felt tears well up in her eyes. She felt ashamed that this was making her realize how important Audrey had been to her in the past, she just wanted to tell her now, now that it was too late. Audrey’s screams continued to dominate the night air which was getting colder by the second. Both Jac and Hanna were shivering in their light weight jackets, both crying because they were so helpless to go to the aide of someone they once knew well and loved. Audrey’s screams continued as they got farther and farther away before they all heard a loud bang and the screaming stopped.

He drug her over kicking and screaming by her pink hair toward the warehouse, making sure he pulled her out of sight before striking her across her face with the butt of his gun. Audrey shriked in pain as she felt a cut open in her lip and she tasted blood. She couldn’t speak anymore, she never thought she would die like this, she had always hoped for a rock ‘n’ roll ending. He tossed her up against the side of the grey warehouse wall and cocked his gun. Audrey fell where she was shot in the head, slumped over. Her skirt had risen up as she fell, her legs spread wide, her expression no longer fearful, but now completely blank.

He sighed as he called one of his servents over.

“Clean this up and get rid of her. Little bitch ruined all my fun,” he groaned as he stomped back over towards the kennels.

The teenage girl watched as her master was occupied with Audrey and motioned for the old woman to move Hanna as she bent down and quickly uncovered Jac.

“Run!” she said to her, “go to woods!” Jac nodded and looked as Hanna had already tore off toward the open field in hopes of being out of eye sight be the time he came back. Jac followed quickly behind her, kicking off her shoes and running faster than she ever had before in her life. She wanted to yell to Hanna to wait for her, but she thought better then to make a noise.

He came around the corner and squinted as he looked off in the distance. He wasn’t sure what was out there, but assumed it to be animals running of some kind and didn’t pay any attention to it. He walked back over to the kennels before noticing the piles of newspapers in the old woman and teenagers runs no longer in heaps but strewn out across their area. He began to shake from his fingers to his toes, his finger still clutching the trigger of his gun.

“YOU WERE ALL HIDING THEM!” he bellowed. All of his servent and their children cowered, huching over in total submission. He walked up to the teenager and hit her hard across her face with the back of his hand. “Was that them?! Running in the field?!” The girl cried as she nodded. She wanted someone to finally get out alive, she wanted it to be these girls, but she couldn’t lie to him. Killing to him was as easy as anything, and he enjoyed the sport.

“FUCKING CUNTS!” he yelled before standing and stalking off toward the fence around the field. “I’M COMING TO GET YOU LITTLE WHORES!” he screamed as loud as he could.

Jac’s muscle’s were burning acid as she and Hanna ran. They saw the woods inches in front of them and couldn’t wait to have somewhere to hide. They got underneath the trees when it became bitch black. They could hear the soft babbling of a small creek but didn’t estimate how rocky, or how deep it was when they ran, both of them stumbling into the water, cutting their feet on the rocks.

“Hannah! I can’t fucking breathe! He killed Audrey!” Hannah lay there beside Jac where she fell, tears still streaming wildly down her face.

“I know! I…I can’t believe this is even happening. My fucking foot is killing me, but we have to keep going. He’s still coming for us and I’m sure there are more people that are going to be looking for us!”

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Aly’s heart was racing in her chest as she hurried down the late night sidewalk, street lights blurring and the sounds of the suburban neighborhood rushing passed her ears. She was trailing her purse out behind her, having it over her shoulder would be too inconvenient and only slow her down. Brendon was only here for a few days and she needed to see him. The thought of holding him again was making her very soul swell. Before she left her house, she pulled her bleached one time too many blonde locks up behind her, knowing that he was only going to pull the ponytail out later. She wore her favorite pair of dark denim jeans, a pale pink baby doll tee, a light-weight black hoodie and her slowly deteriorating pink Converse’s.

She knew what she meant to Brendon and why he called her, thinking normally that would bother her, but in the case of this man and his large, brown eyes, it was of none of her concern. Her heart was racing faster still, the memories of pasted romps flashing through her mind merely making her footsteps quicker.

Every time she saw him on television singing songs with his unique singing style, or saw a picture of him in magazines or on websites here and there, it only escalated her insatiable lust for him. He wasn’t classically attractive by any standards, his nose was too big, his lips were large, soft and pouty and his shaggy dark brown hair never behaved properly without an expert team, but to her the looks were everything. Something about him was undeniably sexy, undeniably necessary.

While she continued walking, his large condo complex in sight, she decided his apartment was much too far away, her need was growing greater by the second. Once she saw his apartment in view, she slowed her pace to a brisk walk, instead of the half run because she didn’t want to seem desperate, although that’s all she was. She opened the door to the lobby, buzzing his apartment, impatiently waiting at the bottom of the stairs. It felt like an hour had passed before he buzzed her up…

Brendon placed the phone down and smiled. Brendon found out nearly a year ago that Aly had it in for him so badly that she would drop her pants for him at the slightest indication that he wanted action. Ever since then, whenever he needed her, he knew she would be there no questions asked. It didn’t matter to him that he was in an exclusive relationship, when it came to Aly, the dirty little secret was his favorite hobby. It was something he never felt ashamed of, it was something he craved whenever he was home. He just wanted to touch her soft skin, run his fingers through her hair and whisper empty promises in her ear.

He walked to the bathroom and fussed up unruly brown hair slightly, sighing and shrugging, he was sure that it didn’t much matter what he looked like at this point.

He left the bathroom and peered around the living room/dining room area he shared with Jon and shook his head. They never cleaned before they left for a long time and they never cleaned when they got back, either. He quickly walked around and picked up a few throw away items before he shoved some things around the floor, into the corners of each room to make his apartment look cleaner than it was. Then he walked into his bedroom repeating the process and made sure his bedroom looked well enough for her. She wasn’t his girlfriend or anything but she didn’t deserve to sleep with him in a messy bed. As he was fixing the sheets when he heard the buzzer go off, leaping out of the room in anticipation.

He buzzed her up, smoothing his blue t-shirt down, before opening the door. He leaned against the door frame and took her in. He bleach blonde hair was slightly disheveled in it’s ponytail, her brown eyes were flickering and her face was flushed. He could tell she had dropped everything and rushed over.

“Hey,” he said, giving her that half smile that made her knees weak. She smiled shyly, noting the way his hair stuck out in the oddest places. His bare feet were sticking out of the gray sweatpants that clashed horribly with his deep blue t-shirt, causing him to look slightly disproportioned but her eyes traveled back to his smile and his slightly dilated eyes and she heard static in her ears.

“Hi,” she replied. He backed away and held his arm out indicating that she should walk inside. As she did so, she removed her hoodie, walking over to the couch and tossing it over the arm.

“You’ve been gone such a long time, Brendon,” she said. He nodded and shrugged.

“’Tis the life I choose to live, Aly,” She smiled. When they met four years ago she never would have imagined he’d be who he was today. She wasn’t going to deny that he had changed, she wasn’t going to say she approved of all the change either. Brendon seemed to bring out a different side of Aly in both positive and negative ways. When he wasn’t around, she never did drugs or anything bad; when she was with him, she smoked too much weed and drank too much beer. When he wasn’t around she was a passive, introvert type; when she was with him she became loud and outspoken probably to be heard along side of him.

And this evening was no different. It didn’t take more than a second for Brendon to work his magic over Aly. All he had to do was smile at her, and she was complete putty in his hands, she would do anything he asked now. Brendon knew of how easy it had become to control Aly, to make her what he wanted her to be, even if it wasn’t like her at all. Grinning mischievously, he grabbed her hand, and Aly felt her world shift on its axis as their skin grazed each other. He leaned in and kissed her cheek, then turned and pulled her along behind him. Shivers went up her back as he led her down the short hall to his room. She glanced in the crack of the door to his room mate Jon’s room, seeing him sitting on the floor leaning on his bed, quietly strumming his guitar with a joint perched between his lips. The smell hit her immediately as they passed, it was so pungent he must’ve been in there smoking and strumming for hours.

Aly’s brain began humming, she was forever a light weight, and she remembered how it felt to be around Brendon. Her tongue loose in her moth, her brain lucid with thoughts. She never felt more open then she did when she got a whiff of his home grown marijuana cologne. It was too late now for her to wonder if she was open now to all the wrong things, it was too late to run now, her brain already beginning to haze, and suddenly her mood was changing. She looked up just in time to hear the door close behind her as Brendon smiled at her again with that cocked grin, reaching into his back pocket to produce his favorite herb. She walked over to his dresser, removed his lighter and passed it to him. He took a long drag then held it out for her to take but she shook her head pushing his hand back at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, stubbing the flame and tucking the joint behind his ear. Brendon’s bedroom never changed. He didn’t bother turning the light on, minus a few lit candles, the street lamp outside and the moon high in the sky provided almost enough light. Aly looked Brendon in his eyes, crossing her arms.

“I’m not in the mood,” she replied her tone harsher than she expected. She noticed his look get complacent, she didn’t want him to think she was being all around negative. “The second hand from Jon was enough. You know me,” she added, giggling. Brendon rolled his eyes and laid back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling feeling apprehensive now about asking her over. This idea of not getting wasted wasn’t in his plan. As he laid down, Aly felt herself blush as his torso was now visible from his shirt bunching up between him and the comforter. She took a deep breath and tried to struggled against the elements, she wasn’t going to let this happen tonight. He folded his hands now behind his head, taking a deep breath before shutting his eyes. Aly shook off her random nervousness she was beginning to feel over the now weird sense of hostility between her and Brendon and sat down on the bed next to him, turning her body to face his crossing her legs and leaning back on her hands. The silence lingered for a moment. Brendon reached back and pulled the joint from behind his ear and lit it again. Aly sat and watched him smoke, studying his movements. She could tell he was feeling uncomfortable now, but it was never like Brendon to crack under any kind of pressure.

The silence, was beginning to get to loud for Aly so she broke the ice saying, “You know, I’m not really into the sound on the new record.” She had only just listened to it since it was just released the previous week, and she was left wondering what happened to the band she fell in love with. Then, she smiled to herself, she had finally done it. The wall was up and as sexy as Brendon was being, he was going to have to break this wall down a little to get what he wanted. She looked at Brendon laying on his back as he smirked, blowing smoke onto the ceiling. The dim light from outside made his already striking features stand out more.

“I was waiting for you to bring it up. You were apprehensive about it since the beginning. And you know what, I still don’t care, Aly.”

“I know you don’t care, Brendon, I just needed you to know that I don‘t like your new direction.” He still smirked at her tired comment, his half grin full of mocking. This was all nothing he hadn’t heard before about the band’s new album.

“It took more than just me to choose this new sound.”

“I’m not just talking music anymore…” Brendon opened his eyes, noting how the ceiling was pulsing above him amidst the haze, he could feel tension radiating from Aly. Sitting up on his elbows, he turned his head to look at her with a cocked eyebrow, his look questioning. Aly felt the need to elaborate so she sighed saying, ”I just mean…when we met you were just beginning to discover who you were outside of the religion you were brought up with, outside of your home and even now…I still don’t think you know exactly who you are. Is what you do, now how you define who you are?”

“I am who I am. You try being in my shoes and see what it does to you. Everything I was taught to fear is now in front of me with no one to tell me no. So I’ve taken it all, found what I enjoy and what I don’t. I’m going to live how I want and do what I please with what I want.”

“Does that include me?” Brendon stared hard into Aly’s eyes.

“What does that mean?” Aly sighed, tilting her head back and looking at the dark ceiling.

“I don’t look like any of your former girlfriends, do I? You’ve never acknowledged me to anyone publicly, I’m not even sure Jon ever knows I come here. It’s like I don’t fit into the mold of who you should be with, so all I am to you is an aside. I came here tonight just wanting to be lost in your arms like always, to be able to take each other for granted for just one night like always, but now…” Brendon felt his temples begin to pulse. Was she seriously trying to do this tonight? He was only here for a few days, he wanted to fuck her and he wanted to do it now. He had a girlfriend, he didn’t need to hear anything about Aly’s problems with his lack of affection.

“I thought you liked it, just having sex?”

“I thought I did too…” Brendon sat up, mimicking Aly’s sitting position facing her although she was staring at his feet. He didn’t know what to say, he was nearly completely infuriated. On the other hand, all of the real feelings he had ever felt for Aly over the past four years were deeply repressed. He wanted nothing more than to tell her what his subconscious knew too well, but this was Aly. He couldn’t talk to her like that, he could only whisper empty promises in her ear in the heat of the moment. She was right, she didn’t look like any of the scene queens of his dating past, Aly was in fact, almost the exact opposite. However, he loved making her feel good, hearing her moan his name and rake her nails across his back. He loved discovering every inch of her body, kissing every inch, too. He loved who they were between the sheets, but beyond that…

“I don’t know what to tell you.” He really didn’t. It would be so easy to tell her he loved her, but what was love? He was already saying it to his girlfriend and he couldn’t leave her for Aly. He wasn’t even sure she knew if Aly existed. It would be so easy now to reach forward and pull her head to his shoulder and rub her back, smell her hair and even just simply cuddle. It would be so easy to kiss her and pretend to make it mean something. But, he wouldn’t.

“Just say you love me?” Aly asked, finally tearing her eyes away from her socks and into his large, round, confused brown eyes. His anger over the realization he wasn’t getting laid was subsiding.

“But…” Brendon couldn’t think of a single argument. As he sat there, thinking, why couldn’t he tell her he loved her? He wasn’t even sure he was torn between Aly or his girlfriend, he just didn’t know what he wanted. It was that simple.

Then, on complete impulse, Brendon leaned forward and placed his big, soft lips on hers in an awkward sort of kiss. Aly kept her eyes open as she opened her mouth slightly to kiss him back. The pair stayed like that for a few minutes before Brendon got the courage to pull himself away. Aly exhaled deeply, she had never been kissed like that in her life. Brendon felt himself blush. The kiss was an experiment. He tried to remember how he felt when he kissed his girlfriend while he kissed Aly. All of repressed emotions came flowing from his brain and everything good about his life with Aly was heartbreakingly obvious.

“I’m too afraid,” Brendon replied.

“I’m fucking terrified,” Aly whispered. She leaned forward and kissed him again, this time she shut her eyes. She wanted to be sure of what she was feeling, that it wasn’t simply going to be about how alluring Brendon was, she needed it to be so much more. Brendon placed his hand on her ankle before sliding it up her thigh, resting it at the top.

Now wanting to break their kiss, it was important now to Aly that she be completely immersed in what they were feeling. She got out of her sitting position and carefully straddled his lap, wrapping her thin legs around his back. Brendon responded by wrapping his arms around her back and holding her as tightly as he could.

Brendon struggled no more, he let everything hostile he was feeling go. He reached up and pulled her hair from the elastic and wrapped his fingers around every strand he could. The pair kissed for what must’ve been hours, when Brendon could barely remember a time he had ever kissed her before. He pulled away and tried in earnest to catch his breath as she did the same. He offered her the biggest grin he had, and it was more than enough to make Aly’s heart flutter.

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AN: I guess you can consider this a Brendon one shot, but really, i just used his name and his resemblance, the story is totally fictional and came out of nowhere. Enjoy.

When the Moon fell in love with the Sun

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Her heart was racing in her chest as she hurried down the sidewalk, trailing her purse out behind her, having it over her shoulder would be too inconvenient. He was only here for a few days and she needed to see him. The thought of holding him again was making her very soul swell.

She knew what she meant to him, and normally that would bother her, but in the case of this man, it was of none of her concern. Her heart was racing faster still, the memories flashing through her mind were merely making her footsteps quicker.

Every time she saw him on television, or saw a picture of him here and there, it only escalated her insatiable lust for him. He wasn’t classically attractive by any standards, no. But to her, it meant nothing. Something about him was undeniably sexy, undeniably necessary.

While she continued walking, she decided his apartment was much to far away, her need was growing greater by the second. Once she saw his apartment in view, she slowed her pace, she didn’t want to seem desperate, although that’s all she was. Desperate. She opened the door to the lobby, buzzing his apartment, impatiently waiting at the bottom of the stairs. It felt like and hour had passed before he buzzed her up…

He placed the phone down and smiled. Whenever he needed her, he knew she would be there no questions asked. It didn’t matter to either of them that they were in exclusive relationships, when it came to each other, the dirty little secret was their favorite hobby. It was something he never felt ashamed of and it was something he craved whenever he was home. He just wanted to touch her skin, run his fingers through her soft hair and whisper empty promises in her ear.

He walked to the bathroom and fussed up his hair slightly, sighing and shrugging, he was sure that it didn’t much matter what he looked like at this point. He shoved some things around the floor, into the corners of each room to make his apartment look cleaner than it was, followed by making sure his bedroom looked well enough for her. She wasn’t his girlfriend or anything but she didn’t deserve to sleep with him in a messy bed. As he was fixing the sheets, he heard the buzzer go off, leaping out of the room in anticipation. He buzzed her up, smoothing his shirt down, before opening the door. He leaned against the door frame and took her in. He dark blonde hair was slightly disheveled and her face was flushed. He could tell she dropped everything and rushed over.

“Hey,” he said, giving her that half smile that made her knees weak. She smiled shyly, noting the way his unruly shaggy brown hair stuck out in the oddest places.

“Hi.” He backed away and held his arm out indicating that she should walk inside. As she did so, she removed her jacket, walking over to the couch and tossing it over the arm.

“You’ve been gone such a long time, Brendon,” she said. He nodded and shrugged.

“’Tis the life I choose to live, Aly” She smiled. When they met four years ago she never would have imagined he’d be who he was today. She wasn’t going to deny that he had changed, she wasn’t going to say she approved of the change either. He was different in a negative way, he always brought out the worst in her. When he wasn’t around, she never did drugs or anything bad. When he wasn’t around she was a passive, introvert type.

It didn’t take more than a second for Brendon to work his magic over Aly. All he had to do was smile at her, and she was complete putty in his hands, she would do anything he asked now. Brendon knew of how easy it had become to control Aly, to make her what he wanted her to be, even if it wasn’t like her at all. He grabbed her hand, and Aly felt her world shift on its axis as their skin grazed each other. Shivers went up her back as he led her down the hall to his room. She glanced in the crack of the door to his room mate Jon’s room, seeing him quietly strumming his guitar with a joint perched between his lips. The smell hit her almost immediately as they passed, it was so pungent he must’ve been in there smoking and strumming for hours.

Aly’s brain began humming, she was forever a light weight, and she remembered how it felt to be around Brendon. Her tongue loose in her moth, her brain lucid with thoughts. She never felt more open then she did when she got a whiff of his home grown marijuana cologne. It was too late now for her to wonder if she was open now to all the wrong things, it was too late to run now, her brain already beginning to haze, and suddenly her mood was changing. She looked up just in time to hear the door close behind her as Brendon smiled at her again with that cocked grin, reaching into his back pocket to produce his favorite herb. She walked over to his dresser and removed his lighter, passing it to him. He took a long drag then held it out for her to take but she shook her head and pushed his hand back at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, stubbing the flame and tucking the joint behind his ear.

“I’m not in the mood. The second hand from Jon was enough,” she giggled. Brendon rolled his eyes and laid back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Aly felt herself blush as his torso was now visible from his shirt bunch up slightly between him and the bed sheet, she wasn’t going to let this happen tonight. He folded his hands now behind his head, taking a deep breath before shutting his eyes. Aly shook off her random nervousness she was beginning to feel over the now weird sense of hostility and sat down on the bed beside him.

“You know, I’m not really into the sound on the new record,” she said, crossing her legs and placing her hands in her lap. She smiled to herself, she had finally done it. The wall was up and as sexy as Brendon could be, he was going to have to break this wall down to get what he wanted.

Brendon couldn’t help but smile at her musical comment, he was waiting for her to bring it up, “Aly, I don’t care.”

“I know you don’t care, Brendon, I just needed you to know.”

“No one ever likes change, it’s something I braced myself for.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like change, I just said I don’t agree with your direction.”

“It took more than just me to choose this new sound.”

“I’m not just talking music anymore…” Brendon let his eyes open. The ceiling was pulsing above him, he could feel tension radiating from Aly. He sat up on his elbows and looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “I just mean…when we met you were just beginning to discover who you were outside of your religion, outside of your home and now…I still don’t think you know.”

“I am who I am. You try being in my shoes and see what it does to you. Everything I was taught to fear is now in front of me with no one to tell me no. So I’ve taken it all, I’m going to live how I want and do what I please with what I want.”

“Does that include me?” Brendon stared hard into Aly’s eyes.

“What does that mean?” Aly sighed, tilting her head back and looking at the dark ceiling.

“I don’t look like any of your former girlfriends, do I? You’ve never acknowledged me to anyone publicly. It’s like I don’t fit into the mold of who you should be with, so all I am to you is an aside. I came here tonight just wanting to be lost in your arms like always, to be able to take you for granted for just one night like always, but now…”

“I thought you liked it…being my favorite secret?”

“I thought I did too…” Brendon sat up, mimicking Aly’s sitting position only facing her although she was staring at her feet. He didn’t know what to say. All of the real feelings he had ever felt for Aly were deeply repressed. He wanted nothing more than to tell her what his subconscious knew too well, but this was Aly. He couldn’t talk to her like that, he could only whisper empty promises in her ear in the heat of the moment.

“I don’t know what to tell you.” He really didn’t. It would be so easy to tell her he loved her. It would be so easy now to reach forward and pull her head to his shoulder and rub her back. It would be so easy to kiss her and make it mean something. But, he wouldn’t.

“Just say you love me?” Aly asked, finally tearing her eyes away from her socks and into his large, round, empty brown eyes. On complete impulse, Brendon leaned forward and placed his big, soft lips on hers in an awkward sort of kiss. Aly opened her mouth slightly to kiss him back. The pair kissed for a few minutes before Brendon got the courage to pull himself away. Aly exhaled deeply, she had never been kissed like that in her life.

“I’m too afraid,” Brendon replied.

“I’m fucking terrified,” Aly whispered.

*****************

Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over

Part Three: I’m just off, a lost cause

I confess, I messed up

Dropping I’m sorry like your still around

*****************************

Riley ran from the bus back into the venue, knocking frantically on the dressing room door. No one answered for a few minutes and Riley felt awkward, cold and alone. She knocked again, stepping backwards as the door opened. Nick was standing there, and she looked beyond him to see Kevin sleeping on the couch.

“Can I talk to him?”

“That’s probably not the best idea.” She could tell by the look in Nick’s eyes that he knew what happened now and he wasn’t happy with her either.

“Nick, I hope this doesn’t change out friendship…I made a mistake but I don’t want it changing us,” Riley offered. She hated upsetting people and this was no different, in fact it was worse.

“Riley…you’re cool and all but these are my brothers. I can’t pretend like I’m not hurt over what you did. You’re single handedly putting a strain on us and I don’t know what to do to fix anything.”

“Well that’s why I’m here, I want to fix it. I just want to talk to him, Nick.” Nick sighed, looking behind him to Kevin, before turning back to Riley.

“Just…give him another day or two to calm down. I just don’t really think he wants to see you right now.”

“It’s been a week! He won’t at least talk to me?” Riley was getting paranoid now. What had she done to Kevin and his brothers? How did she let this happen? It seemed like a bad dream now, this wasn’t like her at all. “Just let me try at least, please?” Nick shrugged looking back at Kevin again.

“Just don’t tell him I let you in,” he said, opening the door and letting her walk in. Riley reached up and hugged Nick out of impulse. He was being really kind and she was very appreciative.

“Thanks,” he blushed and shrugged again, shutting the door behind him. Riley quietly made her way to the couch, reaching forward and brushing hair out of Kevin’s face.

Kevin felt someone touching him and threw his arm up to swat them away, groaning and rubbing his eyes. He opened his eyes to see Riley, his sleepy mind hadn’t caught up with him yet and he smiled a little. He was dreaming about their first real date, when she kissed him for the first time and he forgot for a moment what had happened.

“Hi,” she said in response to his smile. He sat up slowly and as he did he remembered the last week and crossed his arms in defense.

“How did you get in here?”

“I knocked and no one answered but the door was open, so…how are you?” Kevin shook his head, swinging his feet to the floor, purposely not looking at her. The first time he saw her all he could remember about her was the look in her eyes, he couldn’t look at her right now because he knew the look in her eyes was the same. That same empty adoration for him that at this point he felt was a complete lie.

“How am I? That’s a loaded question, Riley,” he replied.

“I know…I just wanted to talk to you, to clear the air a little. I don’t like what any of this is doing to all of us. I still love you, you know?” Kevin couldn’t believe she just said that, he couldn’t help but to turn and glare at her. Shaking his head again he stood and walked away from her over to the chair he was sitting on earlier. Riley ran her hands through her hair and groaned. “Kevin, I’m not lying!” She was beginning to get desperate.

“You have a funny, funny way of showing that.” Riley sighed and stood walking over to him. She crouched down at the chair beside him, resting her hands on his knees.

“Kev, look at me, please.” He shook his curls out of his face and looked at her. Her eyes were still the same. That look was still there. “I’m so sorry. I…that’s not me, you know that. I just want you to forgive Joe and I. That’s all I’m asking for and if you ever want to try again I’ll be here for you, but right now I just want you to accept how sorry I am.”

“It’s not that easy! This is something that was not only important to me, but Joe and even Nick. This isn’t something that can really be taken lightly and it’s hard for me to forgive either of you. Not only for the promise Joe broke to himself but for the promise you broke to me. A year ago I asked you if you were sure this is what you wanted, if you were sure you could handle being with me but you lied and that’s almost just as bad. Almost.” Riley sat back and hugged her knees, still keeping eye contact with Kevin. She was trying so hard to find a hint of that love he had for her last week, but it wasn’t there, he just looked sad and disappointed.

“I never lied to you. I made a mistake but I never lied. I’ve been with you for a year, I’ve been celibate for you for a year because I love you and you‘re important to me. I don’t even know how it happened. It’s really like a bad dream and I wish against everything that I could change it. Joe…” she trailed off. She wasn’t really sure what she could say about Joe. For it being his first time, he was mind blowing, but she was sure that was the last thing Kevin wanted to hear.

“I really want to forgive you, I really want to pretend like it’s not a big deal but this was SO important to me. SO important and you knew that and that’s why I can’t really forgive you. You betrayed me and my beliefs. I want to go back too, but it’s impossible now. Joe can’t ever get that night back and neither can you. It’s just not going to work for me Riley.” Kevin stood and put his shoes on quickly, leaving Riley sitting on the floor, thinking…

After Riley told him no, Joe was starting to think a little more clearly. This past week had been a cloud of confusion and guilt, but Riley was the only thing that was making sense. He had to keep reminding himself to think about his brother, to think about how this was making Kevin feel and what his parents would say. Everyone would just be so disappointed, he couldn’t handle that feeling. He didn’t know what to say to Kevin to make it better, to make the pain and betrayal lessen. He laid down in his bunk, putting his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling. What made him do it? He’d been asking himself that question all week. He has always found Riley attractive but it was always in a look don’t touch way because she was interested in Kevin, not him. Once they started dated he thought he was able to get passed having a crush on her and just really be her friend and she was the most amazing, dependable friend in the world. But last week something suddenly made it okay in his mind to be more than friends. Neither of them really advanced on the other, it was just a weird planetary alignment or something beyond their control that caused it to happen…

“Riley!” Joe called from the back of the bus. She heard her name from her bunk and climbed out, walking to the back.

AN: Surprised you, no? This happened a few years ago (I mean in the real life timeline, lol). Um…we’ll see what happens next together, cos really I have no clue. Comment please!

*******************

Part Two: We’re going down, down

“I’m checking on Kevin. I want to make sure he’s okay…” Joe replied to Riley. Riley shrugged, keeping her eyes on him. Joe was feeling pressured under her gaze, so he lifted his left hand to brush some hair out of his face. Riley felt a huge pang of guilt when she noticed the always present ring on his left finger had now vanished. What had they done?

“What the fuck makes you think I want anything to do with either of you? I wish the both of you would just disappear. I can’t stand the sight of you two…” Kevin said, coming out the bathroom behind Riley. Riley stood up at the sound of his voice, turning around to face him, standing beside Joe. God, Kevin looked so good tonight she just wanted to hold him, kiss him and tell him how special he was to her. She looked over at Joe who had an immense sorrow in his eyes, a sorrow she knew she was responsible for.

“Kevin, we have to finish sound check,” Joe said with a soft voice. Kevin ripped off his tie and sat back down on the chair.

“Tell them to run a line check later, I don’t feel like going back out there.” Joe nodded and looked at Riley. It was technically her job to do the sound, so she had to inform the crew of the band’s demand. She peered back at Joe momentarily before gazing over at Kevin for another second, then left the room.

Joe was alone now in this room with his big brother. He wanted to say so many things, but Kevin had made it clear he didn’t care to hear them.

“Why are you still there?” Kevin asked, looking up at Joe with eyes burning red. Joe could see the anger bubbling inside of him, he’d never, ever imagined that he would be capable of causing pain like this to anyone. Especially family.

“Kevin, I want you to hear how SORRY I am! How much I was I could change it and turn back time. I’M SORRY!” Joe said, tossing his hands in the air out of pure frustration.

“You should’ve thought about all that BEFORE YOU FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND!” Kevin yelled. Joe had to take a step backward. Hearing Kevin actually say it out loud for the first time was a rude awakening, it felt like Kevin was punching him in the stomach completely knocking the wind from his lungs. What he did had always been a pure fact, but this suddenly made it real. Joe looked at his bare left hand, recoiling in near horror over the promise he had made to himself and had now broken. “You’re words mean nothing to me! GET OUT!”

“Kev…” Joe tried, but couldn’t think of words anymore. Kevin was right, words were completely useless. He shook his head and left the room, walking hastily out of the venue and back to the bus. He went without any security which he knew was a stupid idea but he had to get away from people. He found himself now envying people who had nothing on their minds. He hated this feeling of having something real to think about, of having a regret to deal with…

Taking his shoes off and tossing them aside, Kevin let his chest heave in the hate that must have been radiating off of him. He hated Joe, it was true. He hated him, he was backstabbing and two faced and he obviously didn’t love Kevin or he wouldn’t have done this. He wouldn’t have gone after the single most important person in his life. The door opened and Kevin looked up to see Nick enter, holding his hands up in question.

“Can you please fill me in on what the hell is going on?” Kevin looked down at his feet.

“It’s…stupid. I promise,” he replied. Nick sat down on the back of the couch and crossed his arms.

“Dude, you are the most chill person in the world. You’re pissed and I can tell something is terribly wrong. Come on man, what are brothers for?”

“Stabbing you in the back?” Kevin answered, looking Nick right in the eyes. Nick squinted at his comment.

“What?” Kevin sighed, looking down once more. He wasn’t sure at this point that trusting anyone was even possible because if you can’t trust family…who can you trust? He looked back up, noting the genuine concern in Nick’s eyes.

“Fine…Joe slept with Riley,” he didn’t look away from Nick, he wanted to see the anger and support come into his eyes, but…it didn‘t.

“Can’t say I’m surprised.”

“What?!” Kevin stood up quickly.

“Dude, I’m only saying. The past few months they’ve been…” he saw the hurt spreading across Kevin’s eyes as he sat down in shock. “You were really that blinded by your love for her?” Kevin felt his stomach flip over again, wanting to puke more. This was making him ill. Worse than ill. He wasn’t even sure he could perform tonight.

“I…please leave me alone, Nick.” Looking at him a second longer, Nick nodded and quietly left Kevin alone with his thoughts…

Riley couldn’t help it. She was nosy about what Joe and Kevin could possibly talk about, so after she let everyone know they were going to line check later, she snuck back over to the dressing room door, leaning in to hear, but all she could make out was mumbling and the word sorry. She sighed heavily, noticing Nick out of the corner of her eye. She gave him a weak smile before leaning off the door, about to walk away when Kevin yelled “BEFORE YOU FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND.” She did a double take at the door before throwing her hand over her mouth and leaving the venue for the bus. She was feeling nauseous and dizzy and needed to lie down. Maybe kill herself? She hadn’t decided…

Joe let his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes as her lips slid across his neck. He ran the palms of his hands over her shoulders and down her arms. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this turned on, or even if he had ever been this turned on before, but his mind was reeling. His heart was thumping slightly out of immediate remorse over what was coming, but he found that he was caring less and less about the consequences. He pushed Riley backwards until the back of her knees collided with the couch, causing her to fall down with Joe on top. He smiled at her before pushing her chin up gently, laying butterfly kisses along her collar bone, gently running his fingers up and down her torso, tickling her in the most seductive way. Riley was squirming beneath him, gasping, feeling the wetness form in her panties…

Riley awoke with a start, hearing a door slam nearby. She sat up quickly, glancing at her watch. She had only been asleep for about ten minutes, which seemed like forever. Rolling over, she hopped down from her bunk to see who had come in to lie down. She looked at all the bunks before seeing Joe’s curtain shut tight with the dim light reflecting his shadow. Riley sighed. She hated what was happening between her and Kevin but she was longing for Joe. It had only been a week but she wanted him again. Kevin was never going to forgive her now, what more could she lose? …besides her job…and her reputation… She reached up and climbed to his bunk before knocking on the wall.

“Joe? What are you doing?” she asked, trying to sound nonchalant. The light flicked off suddenly and he held the curtain open enough for her to crawl in. Smiling slightly, Riley got in beside him in the tight space, pulling her knees to her chest, resting her chin there. She looked at Joe through the darkness. She couldn’t really see him but she could feel the heat from his body and hear the sound of his breath.

Joe didn’t really want to break the silence, he didn’t want to have sex again and he didn’t want to get caught again but he wanted to hold Riley. He really just wanted to pull her to his chest and lie down together, forgetting about all the troubles that lay just beyond the heavily graffitied bus walls. He leaned forward and slid his hands along the mattress until he felt his fingers graze her covered toes and he continued his hands’ journey up her shins and to her knees where he felt her cheek. Riley closed her eyes while she let Joe’s fingers gently touch her face. She reached her left hand up and grabbed his hands, pulling them both to her, palm’s down, leaning in to kiss his fingers. Joe pulled his legs out of sitting position and crawled closer to her, leaning in to find her lips. He couldn’t help it, it was like déjà vu. Kissing her got him in trouble last time and his resolve was weakening by the second.

Riley felt her blood begin to race around her veins, her breath shaking. Somewhere inside of her something was telling her to stop. ‘Kevin is going to come around, he’s going to forgive you’ but a larger part of her knew entertaining that was wrong because she should never be allowed to go back to him, not after what she did, not after what she was now continuing to do. Kevin deserved more.

Joe, however, was here. His lips were gently meshing with hers as he let his tongue slowly slide across her teeth, parting her mouth just enough that their tongues could touch. Riley moaned softly, Joe’s kisses were more passionate than she could have ever dreamed. He pressed her backwards and she rested her back against the wall as Joe attempted to move himself between her legs. She let him so she could wrap her legs around him. His kissing got deeper and deeper before both of them were on the edge of losing control. He ran his hand up her inner right thigh, trailing his fingers upward to the waistline of her jeans. Riley’s eyes flew open. Was she really going to make the same mistake twice? Was she mad?

“Joe…” she said, his kisses stifling her ability to talk. She reached up and press him backwards and he broke away, falling back and landing on his ass. They peered at each other through the darkness again. Joe was panting slightly, his jeans had suddenly become even tighter and he was completely uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” he replied, running his fingers through his hair.

“Don’t be sorry. You just know this is wrong, I can’t have sex with you again, it isn’t right.” She wasn’t over Kevin, she would only be fooling herself if she thought that. You can’t just throw a year of working at a relationship out the window, no matter how good sex with his brother was…