I miss you

Slide.

Slowly, into your dark hole.

Calmly, wait.

For the ladder to carry you out

Sink.

Gently

Into the swallowing abyss.

Calmly, float

The boat will glide to you

Too late, she whispered

I've already gone

Life was too fast

Death was serene

Death was all I had hoped it would be

No one around to tell me no.

No one was there to tell me I was foolish

Everyone said, she made the right choice

I sit and watch.

she was right, after all

No one cared, it seemed.

She was already gone.

But, me?

I miss her.

I've often wondered what it would take for me to feel truly happy. It usually comes to mind that the more you own, the happier you feel. Your life surrounded by superfluous things that you will throw away in a couple years because they will end of being old and boring.

I think I feel most happy when I'm off in another world, when I'm not thinking about what I have to do tomorrow, what I have probably should be doing instead. I think that’s why movies fascinate me. Bread and circuses.

Why bother to think about what is really wrong in my life and instead distract myself with flickering images of stories I know I could never relate to. I often will space out too, sit in my bed or in my chair and imagine what I wish I was doing

Partying in Vegas.

Living in Chicago

Being with the one I love

Loving without pretenses

Being with someone instead of being alone.

Why is it so hard sometimes, to find happiness. We are all privileged. All of us have more than we could ever really ask for, more than we physically need. But at the end of the day, it feels like none of us are ever truly happy. And if we are, it's insanely temporary. It's like having a pet: while the pet is alive, you love it and are glad for everyday you can spend with it, but ultimately you know someday that pet will die and somehow you will have to carry on.

That why happiness is called such, I suppose. Because if we were happy all of the time, how would we tell the difference?

I often just wish to watch a car crash.

To write the perfect story and let the ending happen organically.

What does it take to be happy, and how do we know when the sadness should be allowed to take hold?

Is a possession or a feeling that negates how we will ultimately end?

            The bane of my existence. Doomed to squelching loneliness. I wanted to be able to see all those people whom I never see. It just isn't meant to be, assuming. People I care about always are a sea away. Anchored but waiting, someday to swim away. Why does life choose only some and not others? To think how bleak the future would seem without. Waste. I wonder what it would be like if we never crossed paths. Why? They did, and the stars align every time we near. They had it in for us. Did they have it in I wonder, for space to be so disruptive, time-consuming, a never ending gorge of empty, lost, waiting love? Love, so many different kinds. I always wanted to love with the unconditional, always there regardless of space and time, of quantity or immediate quality. Just a helpless kind of love for a substantial eternity. A feeling only felt for a handful of people. Is that it? Is this the pressing agony I occasionally feel? I love too much? Too strongly? Is it because I fear of an unreciprocated love to come back to me? All I want is an answer. I often wonder if this is right or wrong…

It's going to all my fics before and all that ones that have yet to be created:

Thank you, christine. i love you!

************************

American Heritage definition of 'fiction'.

fic·tion (fĭk'shən) n.

An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented.
The act of inventing such a creation or pretense.
A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
The category of literature comprising works of this kind, including novels and short stories.
A lie.

A crazy idea, I know. Seriously, though, lets be real for a second children.
This is called fiction. It is entertainment.

If you didnt like what you were reading, let me further direct your attention to the top left hand corner of your screen. There should be an arrow pointing left, no? Click that every once in a while when you see something you don't like, and allow authours  the right to write what they want and do a damn good job at doing it.

i've decided to take a break from writing fan fics for a while. it seems that lately a lot of people have been really down on my work.

i wanted to reach an audience for my new Garrett fic so people who actually like him would partake in reading it. Instead i was met with comments like "fan fics are evil and you should be punished." My pride and joy story "ghost of you and me" has been met with more negativity then positivity and i can't handle it right now. My heart and mind are too fragile. I realize Pete Wentz isn't a homoicidal, sucideal, rapist maniac, but if people want to knock me for it, then i won't write it.

I know i'll never get anywhere in this life by letting the complaints get me down, it's just right now I'm not sure i can handel it.

I'm sorry to those who love what I write. I'll return soon. You guys keep me going

i'm sick of being bagged on. all this negativity around me is really getting me down.

AN: this story may seem sweet and lovey, dovey now but just wait. The drama arrives and it's gooooooood. *sigh* I have fucked up dreams…

Chapter two: In that moment, my heart was stolen

How should I feel now, since I've waited for you?

The flashes of lights were blinding. Garrett felt his heart beating wildly, this couldn't be happening to him. He arrived in LA only barely a year ago, and he was already starring in a major motion picture. Could he be the luckiest man in the world?

Garrett ended up wondering around the after party with his hands in his pockets. People would walk up to him occasionally and congratulate him, but Hollywood was so insincere. He knew no one actually meant it and that the buzz on the movie was less then stellar. He finally found any empty booth to sit in at the corner of the club the party was being held in. He ordered a drink and sat down with his pack of Camels and lit one up, feeling pretty bummed about the night.

Maybe he expected a Hollywood premiere to be full of glamour and beautiful women who wanted him to take them home, but he was a mere smudge in the glittery scene. Who was he to compete with Brad Pitt?

Garrett found himself begin to space out. He was a loner by nature, and shy, despite the fact that everyone was constantly telling him he seemed like he would be the exact opposite. Everyone expected to him to be the life of the party, the guy with the most friends but to be honest, he always enjoyed keeping to himself. He found himself sort of wishing that he was at his one room apartment with a bowl of spaghetti and watching his favorite movie. He lit his third Camel in about an hour and zoned out again, watching the strangers fake their laughter and pretend to like the movie they just saw. He was tired of this already. He definitely had his hopes way too high and this was all he received.

Sleepily, he stood, glancing at his cell phone. The time read one a.m. Had he really sat there thinking something exciting was going to happen for that long? He sighed, pulling out another cigarette and lighting it. He had a car waiting to take him home, but the longer he stared at it, the more he realized that he didn't want it. He had thought it would make him feel more like a star, like a true celebrity on the rise, as people were calling him. But he didn't feel that way at all. He was still a boy from Minnesota, Hollywood was not his home. But he knew this was only the beginning and he was, in fact, living his dream. He wasn't at all going to complain now, not at the very entrance of this hopefully long and satisfying road.

He decided instead, to walk to the bus stop. He wanted to take the bus home so he could have time to think.  He knew how crazy he would look dressed in his suit and tie taking public transportation at one am, but he didn't care. It would definitely take some time to get used to living like this. It was too strange at the moment…

Sephora sighed as she glanced at her watch. It was one am and she was still stuck at work. All she wanted to do was go home to sleep, but she still had a crap load of homework to do. She groaned as she stared at her computer screen. What kind of job actually keeps you until eleven pm; the kind that has deadlines; such as an online editorial. Professional ones, the ones you need to go to school to work at. The worst part for her was that this was merely an unpaid internship, but deadlines were deadlines and the volume needed to go online the next week, so it had to be done now.

She sat at that glowing screen for what felt like twelve more hours, but was really only one and half and she smiled solemnly as the screen flickered off and she detached her laptop, carefully placing it in her bag. She stretched when she stood and removed her bus pass from her purse and slung all her belongings over her shoulder, her flats padding away from her tiny desk and to the elevator that lowered her to the much awaited exit. Sephora breathed deeply as she got into the crisp LA spring air. Well, as crisp as air could be for LA.

She pulled her Ipod out of her bag and placed the white headphones in her ears, clicking shuffle until a good song began to play. She sat down in the waiting booth for the bus, playing a video game on her cell phone. She looked up briefly to see a male approaching the bus stop, sort of wondering how strange it was that she wasn't the only one needed a ride home this late. As the male approached, she noticed that he was dressed in a really nice suit and thought he must be insane. She quickly returned her attention to the game below her and ignored the man as he quietly sat down next to her. She saw him fish his cell phone out of his pocket, happily ignoring her just the same.

A few minutes later the bus approached and the pair stepped onto the vehicle, both retreating the back of the bus. Sephora sat two seats in front of him and silently continued to play her game and listen to her Ipod, her mind going over and over ideas for the paper she had due in less then five hours.

Garrett stood up; pulling the wire signaling it was his stop. He brushed his pants off when he stood and slowly walked to the front of the bus, saying goodnight to the driver and just waiting with baited breath to take off these binding clothes and get into his pajamas. The bus sat idle for a minute as Garrett walked away from it, glancing once more at the girl still sitting on the bus. On instinct, Sephora looked around to see how many stops she had left, but instead caught the eyes of the guy who just stepped off. Sephora found herself squinting at him, those eyes were hauntingly familiar. She decided to shrug it off and put her eyes back down to the game at hand.

Garrett was about to walk forward, pulling his eyes away from the girl, and found himself thinking about an angel he once met in what he thought had to have been a dream when he first came to this city. He took a few more steps and stopped…that was no dream.

Sephora lurched as the bus began to roll forward once more, her head snapped up and her brain sparked…those eyes! She jumped to her feet, pulling furiously at the wire. The bus driver glared at her through his rearview mirror, but pulled over, thinking she was just another one of those drunken teenagers who missed her stop again. She hollered a thank you as she sprinted off the bus and up the street. She saw him in the distance, standing there with his hands in his pockets, a small grin on his face. He had cut his hair, she noticed, it was shoulder length when last they met, she didn't even recognize him. She slowed to a walk as she got mere feet from him, staring him in his green eyes as they flickered with a strange sensation of hope. That angel…could it be?

Sephora took another step towards Garrett, reaching her hand out to run her fingers through the hair of the back of his head. Garrett sighed; her touch was entirely familiar and greatly needed after tonight's events. Garrett reached forward and grabbed her free hand, pulling her towards him and placing his lips greatly on hers. She stood on her tip toes, a year ago when they were lying on the couch; she hadn't noticed how tall he was. Suddenly she felt a surge of electricity bolt through her veins and jumped on him, wrapping her legs around his back and her arms around his neck. Garrett pulled away from her lips and laughed a little. His smiled was intoxicating.

"I'm Garrett," he said. She smiled at him. His voice was deep and entirely suiting the way he looked.

"Sephora," she said. Garrett reached up and ran his fingers through her hair, tucking the strands behind her ear.

"I've been looking for you for a long time now, Angel," he said to her, his voice barely above a whisper. Sephora felt her heart flutter, and pressed her lips to his once more.

"And now you've found me," she said, her tone matching his. Garrett had forgotten all about the disappointment of his evening and continued to embrace his angel in the middle of the quiet Los Angles street…

************************

No more hiding, she was there beside him
Wrapped around him, wish I was still dreaming

i know i still have my Panic! story but i'm taking a break from the usual (fob and panic) and this story is about Garrett Hedlund. that's right. get into it.

Its actually based on a series of dreams i've had. i hope it makes sense, cos i'm trying to piece together the parts of the dreams that i remember. so here we go:

"There's a world to see, for you and me" by getupngo

Chapter one- Seen through a blur on the wall

I feel so disillusioned of it all

It was one of those parties where you knew something amazing was going to happen. You don't know what, but something here was bound to change your life. Sephora was feeling extremely out of her element. The fog in the room was heavy and saturated with chemicals, most of them of the illegal kind. While she herself was not into this kind of party, she had no choice but to be subjected to the effects of the activities around her.

She milled around for a while, the loneliness she felt deep inside forcing her to feel vegetative. She was here looking for something she didn’t know how to find, or she didn't even know for what she was looking. Her roommate left her to be with her boyfriend, so she found herself crashed out on a lonely couch to suit her lonely mood. Soon, Sephora dosed off, her dreams of the insane kind, her mind tainted by the products that heavily doused the air around her…

Garrett stood at the counter in the kitchen, vibing out on the feelings inside his mind. He came to this party looking for something to do, being the new kid in town didn't leave him any friends to hang out with, so he met up with some random guy who invited him to this party. The conversation going on around him seemed muffled, his brain buzzing above the noise. Groggily, he scanned the party, feeling like maybe he should go home. Then his eyes landed on the couch in the house's den. He watched the girl's chest rise and fall with each breath she took, she actually looked like an angel, the haze around her body making her look like she was actually glowing. Without thinking about it, he grabbed a cup full of beer and approached the figure on the sofa.

Startled enough by the demons beneath her eyelids, Sephora awoke with a start, only to see a tall, light haired boy pushing his way past an entwining couple towards her spot amongst the blurs in the scenery. All she could see were these green eyes traveling towards her, she felt out of body, suddenly she knew what was meant my love at first sight…or perhaps lust at best…

Garrett continued his march towards her, determined to feel the angel beneath him, determined to feel her breath on his neck and her voice calling his name. She sat up quickly, rubbing the insane sleep from her eyes, the screams in her dream drowning away with the bass thump that coveted the house. The boy then sat down neck to her, silently offering her the drink in his hand. She took it gratefully, cotton mouth making her thirst insatiable. No words needed to be spoken between the pair; Garrett didn't wait for any signs or signals if she was comfortable with the situation, He lurched forward and placed his lips on hers. She let the cup slip out of her hand and feel to the ground, spilling over the carpet. Sephora reached her arms up and wrapped them around the boy's neck, pulling him closer to her, the warmth from his body felt amazing to her, she was unsure but she felt safe, his arms placing themselves around her back and pulling her closer still. He let his hands find their way underneath her shirt, caressing her soft skin that felt so good beneath his fingers. She raked her fingers through his short hair and moaned; his breath smelled of an intoxicating mixture of alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Feeling urgency, she slid her hands down his back and pulled his shirt over his head, to which Garrett copied her motions quickly. He stared down at her, the haze still outlining her form. Both had forgotten that they were in the middle of a large crowd of people. Granted, most of them were too entranced by their own minds to pay too much attention to the couple about to have sex on the couch and at the same time, they didn't care. Garrett was too excited by the presence of this girl to even remember his own name. As the kissing and the groping between the pair became more heated, the atmosphere in the room began to change drastically.

Someone began yelling about cops, the police were on their way to break up the noisy party in the middle of the quiet neighborhood. Garrett reluctantly pulled away from the girl, panting as he rubbed his hand along her waist.

"Don’t go," she whispered. Garrett shook his head. He had to leave.  He had to go home. He wanted to stay by her side, he had yet to feel her all around him, but he couldn't continue, there was too much at risk now. Carefully he stood up from his position by her on the couch, pulling his shirt over his head. He took one last look at her and walked away, leaving the house before his better judgment got hold of him…

*********************

I can't hold back these acidic tears

today i feel like i'm on a drug that has totally turned me into a walking vegetable.

it only happened an hour or so ago, but its strange.

i was putting my contacts in and my right one fell out of my eye and i lost it, then i felt anxiety over it and then the anxiety was replaced by emptiness. i didnt know what to feel, or if i should feel anything at all.

something isn't right with me this week, thats all i know.

so, here is how i'm feeling right now.

not that i expect anyone to care...

loney.bored.sad.bored.uncreative.annnnnnnnnnd lonely.

i don't know what it is about christmas that makes me feel so down, but its one of the reasons i absolutely hate this holiday season.

i'm even sitting here with one of my good friends watching a movie and still feel a void. i hvae no idea how to fill it either. i can't imagine what it would be

but this is the feeling that convinces me that the grass might be greener. i know thats not really always the case, but i just feel like life can't get more lame here, and that it must improve elsewhere.

anyone got any tips on temporary highs?

"From Out of Nowhere"

"I knew it was love, right from the start"

She ran outside, the pouring rain threatening to drown her, a feeling she opened her arms too. Love had eluded her once more; the pain in her heart was piercing. She lied again. To herself and to him, but she couldn't anymore. She couldn't, it wasn't fair. He loved her, it's true, and she loved him back, but it wasn't in the way either desired. He wanted something she couldn't give…her heart. Her heart was thousands of miles away; it rested safely in the hands of a girl. She collapsed in a puddle, the weight of her decision weighed heavily on her body. She was soaked to the skin, letting the heavy droplets mix with her tears of frustration and longing. She almost felt like giving up, maybe carrying on without her love just wasn't a life worth living. Their attempt at waking up to each others mismatched eyes had failed once more, she promised her. But, she never showed. Corbin knew that she had to leave him, whether Shayne showed or not, she knew she couldn't lie anymore.

As she felt her hope slowly begin to slip away, a figure caught her eye in the warm mist that fogged the world in front of her. The warm summer day had turned into a downpour, causing the fog to be thick enough that she couldn't see her own hand in the distance. But she saw this. The figure stepped cautiously towards Corbin, her eyebrows knitted together in concern. Corbin smiled, feeling her heart begin to beat wildly. She was late, but she had showed after all. Corbin got to her feet, letting her soles slip out of the damp sandals and meet the pebbles below her. Slowly Corbin approached the figure in the distance, sensing her smile even though she couldn't see it.

After what felt like a mile walk, the pair came inches from each other, their eyes meeting in a hurried gaze, both of them remembering. Never able to forget what once was.

Corbin wasn't sure if what she was feeling was wrong or right, all she knew was that what she was feeling was real. The pleasant pain deep within her bones was warning, but welcoming. Her skin began to tingle as she felt her only inches away. She felt an anxiety, a longing deep within her heart.

Shayne held her breath. She couldn't believe it was finally going to happen. After all of the waiting, the pain her heart had felt for so long would finally be eased. Gently, Shayne reached her hand forward, gently sliding her fingers along Corbin's bare arm, slipping in the moisture on her skin, her black dress clinging to every curve of her body, the ends of her hair dripping onto her hand. Shayne let her other hand rest gently on her waist, half-smiling when she felt Corbin begin to shiver under her touch. Corbin lifted her eyes to meet Shayne's gaze, lifting her hand and entwining her fingers amongst Shayne soaked hair, gently tugging her face forward so their lips collided, the rain causing the kiss to feel wet, but neither cared much. The pair stood in the pebbled driveway for a while, softly pecking and kissing, rubbing and embracing, their clothes soaked to the core, their skin moist and warm, the mixture of summer air and torrential rain making both of their bodies fresh to the touch.

Corbin pulled herself from Shayne's lips, gazing deeply into her eyes, a smile playing on both of their faces. No matter the distance that always threatened to plague them, when they were tucked safely underneath each other's embrace…they were always home.

*********

"for all that you gave me, it's you adore"

so...my grandmother told me today "if you don't have faith in God, you don't have faith in anything." I was about to open my mouth and say something, but I just knew it would be worthless.

That is probably the most meaningless thing I've heard in a long time. Even if you don't have faith in God, you have to believe in something, it's our nature as a human. Like, I have faith in love, in myself and in my hopes and dreams and the hopes and dreams of everyone I love. I beleive that some higher power exsists, but he may not be a man in white robe.

What do you guys have faith in?

because my mind has been inspired. Thank you...

She breathes, they sigh.