I miss you

It hurts any girl to feel like she can’t be the one who can make you smile anymore. Don’t know if you can understand that, you probably can’t. You should always bring your friends in when no one else can be there to help you, but if you want a distraction, why not come to the girl? She fights so much because she wants to be that person and knows that she isn’t.

It hurts her to hear she doesn’t make you happy anymore. It makes her feel like all these tears are in vain, you’re so numb to them now. But she doesn’t know any other way to be seen anymore. You mean so much more to her that she can ever show you in her daily life. It hurts her to hear you say you don’t care anymore. It hurts her to hear you say that you don’t give a shit what she does, because she cares about every limb that hurts you, she never wants to see you in pain.

You push her away because she drives you there, and it isn’t fair. She knows. She knows you’re so fucking tired of hearing the same shit out of her mouth every time she tries to get you to listen. You don’t want to hear her side of the story anymore and she just wants you to love her unconditionally and you do. Even when you know she’s pushed you too far, it’d never change how you feel about her.

She talks to you because she has no one else to talk to, and see’s no virtue in paying someone to listen. Her problem can’t be solved with a pill, it can’t be solved in a day, week, month, year. It may never be solved. It’s a struggle she MUST deal with ALONE. It took someone else’s wisdom to get her to understand that. While you struggle alone, she can’t., but she needs to if she wants to save what you think is so far gone. She’ll do what it takes and she knows you tired. Tired of everything, tired of hearing her say she’ll try harder, she’s going to change, she’s changed. Because she hasn’t and she won’t for a long time. The process isn’t immediate, it never will be and it will take her time to learn.

But right now she knows, to leave you out of that one tiny aspect of her mind. It hurts her to hear you say that you don’t want to talk to her, you’ve been saying it for so long, she wonders what it takes to get you to talk about daily life. If you cant do it by now, she wonders if you ever will.

She will never give up on you, that’s why she can’t get up and walk away, she feels like she’s failing you. It was dumb of her to say some things she said, but she really believes that every person, no matter who you are and you’re personality needs someone to confide in and she knows you have that person now, whether you care to admit it to her or not. She fights with you so much because she wants you to confide in her and wonders how long she has to wait. It’s been half a year now! How much longer? She hates to think that you think she’s trying to take the place of something she knows she can never, ever compare to. That would be so unfair to you and the memory of that.

She’s tired of saying the same things too. Feeling like she’s talking to a brick wall, but there is so much more about the relationship that she wants. She wants more from it, but she could never tell you what. To doubt you would be foolish. To mistrust you would be improbable.

She’s learning to deal alone, as of today, she doesn’t expect you to help. In fact, for the first time, she’s going to say: I don’t want your help, butt out. It’s true. She’s willing to say it. She’s willing to live in a house full of secrets if it means you’ll start to believe that girl who cried so many nights that its just noise anymore. You’ve never made her unhappy, except when she thought she lost you. She never wants either of you to go through that pain anymore, how wretched. She doesn’t want to nag anymore cause she hates feeling like a stranger to you under the same roof.

It’s sad, how you get so sick of hearing her voice so the same thing that she can’t talk to you, she has to write it down. Whatever it takes to fix what may never be completely healed. A future without you seems bleak, whether she’s near or far, she always wants to be proud of what she can come home to, the life she has to look forward, with the man who will never give her anything less than the best. She doesn’t feel like she deserves you anymore but is thankful for every day you give her, every kiss you lend her and every piece of your heart you are willing to share with her.

“Papercut” Part 14 - I keep singing this song until the very end

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Morgan awoke, realizing she had fallen asleep on her bedroom floor. The impending divorce had renewed her interest in her father’s past. Connor had fallen asleep on the bed, also surrounded by research. Morgan sat up and rubbed her eyes, glancing at her clock that read seven am and she needed to get ready for school, but for some reason she felt like today would be a great day to call out sick. She stood and shoved her brother over, laying down beside him and sighing. She wondered where Destiny was now and wondered how her Dad was holding up. Curious and wanting to help, she got up and walked to Patrick’s bedroom, slowly opening the door. Morgan gasped a little when she saw both her parents laying together gripping onto each other tightly.

“Mom?” she asked. Destiny’s eyes snapped open and she saw he daughter staring at her in question. Patrick opened his eyes too, looking at his wife with a renewed sense of longing.

“Hi, baby girl,” Destiny replied, sitting up and running her fingers through her hair.

“Why…why are you here?” She was trying her best not to sound rude, even though this situation shocked her, she was more than happy to see her parents together. Destiny motioned for Morgan to come sit with her on the bed. She hesitated, but Patrick stood and walked to the bathroom leaving the two most important women in his life to talk, he wanted the healing to continue. Morgan sat down beside Destiny, pulling her knees to her chest.

“Morgan…I’m so tired of fighting with you all the time. I’m tired of the drama and the secrets in this family. I want all of us to get better. You and I have never gotten along and it makes me so, so sad. You’re my baby and I love you so much more than I have ever loved anything. You are the best thing that has ever happened to your father and I, as well as your brother. The two of you mean more to us than we can ever express in words. I know that I can’t get to know you or that we can get better immediately but I want to try, baby. I want to be your mother and your friend. I want you to feel like you can talk to me.” Morgan stared at her feet, wiggling her toes as Destiny spoke. All of that sounded nice, but she almost felt it was too late to be close. She had nothing to say so she shrugged in response. “I know you have plenty to be stubborn about right now and I don’t want to even try to give me a real effort right now. I’d really like it if you and Connor stayed home today to be with Dad and I, okay?”

“I have a test,” Morgan lied, she wanted to stay home today if it meant spending time with Patrick. She really was in a bind with what to do and how to act around Destiny.

“Make it up later, please? The four of us really need to be together today.” Morgan shrugged, she had already missed the bus and assumed no one would drive her to school, so she figured she was left with no choice in the matter. Destiny sighed at her continued defiance. Patrick came out of the bathroom just in time to see Morgan walk away, a scowl on her face.

“This is going to be a lot harder than I want it to be.”

“Well, it’s been fifteen years of two of you fighting constantly. I don’t even know how to approach Connor yet…”

Morgan stomped across the hallway back to her bedroom, Connor was sitting up on her bed watching cartoons.

“I guess we get skip school today?” Connor said with a grin. Morgan plopped down in her desk chair and shrugged.

“I’d rather go to school. Mom wants us to spend today as a big, happy, fucking family!” Morgan felt herself begin to get angry.

“Mom? When did you talk to Mom?” Connor asked. His attention now on Morgan’s rising rage.

“She’s here, in the bedroom, with Dad! God fucking…!” Morgan exclaimed picking up the closest object and hurling it at the wall. “And I don’t know who the fuck she thinks she is! After all these years she just thinks I’m going to fucking suddenly just be , ‘Yeah, Mom! Let’s be fucking friends?!’

“Whoa, Mo! Isn’t this what you said you wanted? Mom and Dad to work it out and get back together?”

“Yes, I want that, but not like this! I’m so tired of their yo-yo relationship. One day they are grossly head over heels and romantic, the next Dad is sleeping in his studio! It fucking pisses me off! I wish they would just either hate each other or love each other. I’m tired of it changing everyday!” Connor turned off the TV and walked over to his big sister and hugged her. Morgan felt the presense of comfort and stability in her brother’s arms and it dawned on her: no matter what, Connor would always and forever be her brother just as Patrick and Destiny, whether they stayed together or got divorced, would always be her parents. If she wanted to see everything get fixed, she needed to take an active part in the healing.

“Mom and Dad need us, Mo. As much as we don’t want to…we have to try. You think I want to try and be buddy-buddy with Dad? Fuck no, but they need us to try.” Morgan sat back and looked at her little brother in slight awe.

“How are you so mature? You’re eleven!” Morgan laughed.

“Mom says I get it from Dad…” he said, sitting back down on Morgan’s bed.

“Strange, You and Dad have nothing in common, but you’re exactly like him in every other way. Dad says I’m exactly like Mom, too.”

“Maybe we all deserve this, you know? The chance to be a real, working family?” Connor added with a shrug.

“Maybe,” Morgan replied…

Destiny was trying to figure out the best possible way to go about making amends with Morgan, noticing Patrick staring at the wall.

“What’s up, baby?” Destiny asked, abandoning her own thoughts. She stood from the bed and sat straddling his lap. She began kissing him as he ran his hands up and down her thighs.

“Let’s get married,” Patrick replied, returning her kiss before looking in her eyes. Destiny laughed a little.

“We already are married, babe.” Patrick smiled.

“I know that, I just mean, get re-married. Renew out vows, really involve the kids. I think it would be good for us. Something positive for all of us to work together on.” Destiny nodded in serious thought…

“I can’t believe this is happening to you. Two years ago I would’ve never thought you and Patrick would have made it this far,” Marie said as she stared at Destiny’s reflection in the mirror. Destiny felt her palms sweating. Marie was right, she shouldn’t be here.

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“Papercut” Part 13- You can’t be missed, if you never go away

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Destiny carefully, quietly climbed the stairs, hearing music from Morgan’s room. Connor’s room was dark and the door was open. At least her kids had each other at a time like this. The door to the bedroom she shared with Patrick was open and dark, meaning he could be in the only place that gave him solace. She walked on to the studio at the end of the hall, leaning against the door, hearing only more silence. After taking a deep breath, she reached up and knocked, keeping her breath now in her chest.

Patrick was startled out of his thoughts when the knock came. He wasn’t sure how long he had been silently staring into space, his theory sheet still blank. He thought he had felt some melancholy melodies flowing through him, but his thoughts over came them. Expecting to see one of his children, he opened the door, but felt hot tears jump to his eyes when he saw his beautiful wife of sixteen years standing before him, looking worse for the ware. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t know what to say to her.

“Patrick…” she whispered. The tears instantly sprang from her eyes and down her face and even though she knew the words were empty, she said them anyway, “I am so, so, so sorry.” Her voice pinched as she let more tears fall. Patrick backed away, the closeness was making him weak, he knew he would let himself fall right back into her, but he wasn’t ready yet.

“Destiny, you know that useless. You can be sorry all you want but it won’t fix what you’ve damaged. My heart, our kids, this home. You’ve wrecked it all. Sorry isn’t mending anything.” Patrick couldn’t cry, no matter how much he wanted to do so. Something about the shock and severity of the situation made him numb. Destiny’s body heaved with a giant sob. Patrick’s words were harsh and true.

“I know! I know!” She took a deep breath and wiped at her face, “since we met, you’ve loved me with this unconditional love that I’ve held for granted way too often. All the times I’ve hurt you, you’ve always stuck by me. I was so desperate for someone to touch me, Patrick. It’s been months since you made love to me, I’ve asked, I’ve hinted, I’ve tried to start but you always shut me out. I got so desperate I did something I promised myself I would never ever do again years ago when I thought I’d lost you. An with Pete? God, it’s unforgivable, but Patrick I need you to forgive the unforgivable. Again. I’m willing to star from ground level and work this family back up to an even better place than we were. Isn’t it enough that I love you?”

“No, Destiny, obviously it isn’t. If it was enough, you wouldn’t have done this to me. Again! I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel loved physically for so long, but I was so confused with what was going on with Katy and I knew it was all false, but I just wasn’t sure why I felt that way. I thought I needed something new and different but I didn’t. I just needed to let go and get back to where my love really lay and that was with you and my children. I gave up so much all those years ago for you. I gave up my band and one of the best friends I had ever known. You came into my life and showed me things I never thought were possible, made me feel things I had only tricked myself into feeling before. The moment I bumped into you on an empty Los Angeles street I knew. I felt it deep in a part of my soul that has never left me, all these years. Things have been so good for so long, why now? And why this, of everything. I can’t keep forgiving you for cheating on me. It only makes you feel like you can keep doing it and I’ll keep hanging around.”

“Didn’t you hear me? I was SO desperate. Patrick, I did everything to make you see how much I NEEDED you, but you weren’t listening. Pete, he listened. He listened to every word and gave me what I needed so badly. I can live with you and share my life with you and just cuddle and sleep every night but there comes so times when I need you. You’ve so wrapped up in yourself that you couldn’t share with me the warning signs about Morgan and Joe. You couldn’t share yourself with me. You haven’t tried talking to Connor like I asked you to do. Yeah I did something awful, but you haven’t exactly been perfect either and I won’t be held solely to blame for what’s been going on.”

“I’m not trying to place blame on you. I know I’ve been wrong and I’ll admit that. I shouldn’t have even been thinking about Katy like that. She was eight when I was twenty three. It’s gross and I feel awful about it. I can’t get Connor to even look at me let alone get him to spend time with me. I’m not going to stand her and argue with you about who’s right and who’s wrong because we’re both wrong. We can either fix it or forget about it and both are going to be ridiculously hard to do.” He crossed his arms, confident that he had made his point. Destiny nodded slowly, ceasing her tears immediately.

Quietly, Destiny replied, “I just want to feel you again.” She meant it. She wanted to feel him touch her, she wanted to feel him respond to her again, she wanted to feel his love.

“It’s too soon,” he replied, feeling his resolve weaken.

“Patrick, please…” He shook his head. He can’t forgive her already, he can’t.

“No, Destiny, not tonight,” he heard the words and they were exactly the same as they had been for months.

“you aren’t going to change are you?” she questioned. Both of their tones were so soft and low and that they both knew what this meant.

“I can’t instantly. I need the time to change. The truth is I don’t miss us because I didn’t feel like we had ever been gone.”

“We were though. You distanced yourself from me and the kids. This whole thing with Joe…why couldn’t we see it? Our baby girl thought she was in love with him. You said she was trying to sneak into the house and you said that too late. We lost communication again.” Destiny stepped forward, Patrick reacted by stepping back. She got through the door and shut it behind her. Patrick took down his wall immediately. The look in Destiny’s eyes was one he couldn’t remember seeing since the night Morgan was conceived. Destiny felt words were useless, and Patrick’s mind was empty. Destiny pulled her shirt off and tossed it away and she continued to approach Patrick.

“I’m not ready to fall back into you…” but his words were in vain. He felt the walk behind him and got flattened against it as Destiny gently placed her lips on his. All these months the kisses had been hi and goodbye, never anything lingering or special. This was special. Destiny lost her breath and Patrick had lost his will to fight. He didn’t want to fight it anymore. It pissed him off so thoroughly that Destiny could hurt him time and time again and he just couldn’t let her go. The times he had tried to let her go only resulted in no sleep and no food. Her lips felt good on his and he thought it was really sad how he’d almost forgotten how good it felt to be close to her. He let their kiss deepen as they both began to heat up. It had defiantly been too long. Patrick placed his hands on her belt before opening it and unzipping her jeans, tugging them down as she kicked them off. He pushed her off of him, making her step back so he could look at her. He was mad at himself for forgetting the beauty that had always been right in front of him. He pressed her back until she hopped up on the mixing board and began ridding Patrick of his clothing. Immediately the couple found what they thought they had lost…passion.

Forgetting about infidelities, troubled children and a boring life, they went head first into this renewed sensation. Destiny groaned loudly at the feeling of Patrick’s head between her legs, coming to an amazing orgasm quickly. He brought himself back up to her lips, throwing her legs over his shoulders as he pushed himself inside her, thrusting and groaning, sweat glistening on both of their skin. They both reveled in the love making, something that had been months in waiting. Patrick was so close, but he didn’t want to lose this moment. He suddenly remembered what this relationship meant to him and it was the crazy butterflies he felt in his stomach and the rapid rate of their hearts as they beat together as one again. It was this love that knew no flaws and only knew hearts and souls.

As they both held onto each other as their orgasms subsided, it dawned on them all the work they had ahead of them. They needed to renew themselves within each other, they needed to be closer with their children individually and they needed to be closer as a whole family…

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